Umbrella Etiquette

This is a phrase I have mentioned year after year, each monsoon that hits the restless city of Mumbai. There are lessons here folks — use them in every city in the world.

Every mid-June and/or early July, two in ten people encounter the occaisional careless umbrella that dives spoke-first into the faces and umbrellas of others. You need to be the spokesman of the people, not of the umbrella.

I get it — you’re in a hurry but you could spare that one extra fuck and not potentially gouge someone’s eye out. Anticipate and react accordingly to make the world a safer place.

Courtesy: Crocs and Candy.

Here’s a list of things you should print on a piece of paper and stitch to the bare skins of people whom you know place their umbrellas before anyone else around them:

1. Watch Where You’re Going!
   You can sext ten minutes later once you’ve reached wherever you’re headed. We’re all trying to keep dry here while you’re nose-deep in your phone, ploughing people out of the way in a selfish attempt to get wet waist below.
2. Raise That Arm
   See someone heading your way who’s roughly your height?
   Quit jousting and raise that god damn umbrella to the skies to courteously let them pass by safely, under yours.
3. Keep The Rain Out
   Stepping in after a walk in the rain? Shake that umbrella outside the fucken door before you enter and appoint yourself Sir Drips-A-Lot. Nobody wants their floors wet, not even you. Not even your mother.
   Leave it in that receptacle outside.
4. Don’t Put The Rain In ‘Train’
   Travelling by public transport such as the local train or bus? Leave your wet umbrella on the god-damn floor of the vehicle. Don’t hold on to it, you’re just gonna let it drip on yourself and everyone else around you.
   It’s not your pride, it’s a fucking tool — let go of it for a while.
   Sure it’s gonna get a little dirty but you’re gonna open it in the rain again, you dweeb.
5. Make Sure That Brolly’s Of A Respectable Size
   FFS don’t get those umbrellas that span halfway across the equator — especially when you’ve got the fitting description of a circus midget. You’re gonna end up hogging the pavement and lord have mercy on us if you aren’t acquainted with Rules 1 to 4 with you packin’ that kind of heat.
   Also, don’t buy the extra small ones, consider the fact that you may have to share an umbrella at some point of time. When size matters most y‘all won’t think about it.

Make Rihanna Proud Y’all.